Morocco # English board

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a
child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd,
pierces the quiet ...

"Well, foockin stop doin it then!"

(sorry about the swear word, it's just so funny)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2007 12:59 by Minniemouse.

Funny ,with the scottish accent even more !

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

lol, that's excellent!

I think Noah would have been luckier in Morocco. Authorities are all corrupt so all he has to do is give money to get permissions. And nobody will worry about the animal's fate since animals are everywhere in the streets, starving and hoping someone would come and take them, let alone if this someone is Noah

Yep ,I think if Noah was in Morocco he will be either trying to escapce " ya7rag" to Italy or playing with the animal in Jamaa Lafna !

Quote
atlasmagic
Yep ,I think if Noah was in Morocco he will be either trying to escapce " ya7rag" to Italy or playing with the animal in Jamaa Lafna !

yes, most likely!

An other 1

What powerful rivers"!


"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
& Saw hat the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike
him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"


Time Stopped.


The bear froze.


The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
Me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You
could make the BEAR a Christian"?


"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:


"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from they bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

>The Journey of Man
>
>
> When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
>
>
>When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I
>needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
>
>
>In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything
>was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened
>suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
>
>
>When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
>totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
>so dull
that
>I
>decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
>
>
>When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her.
>She
>rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad
>impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun
>initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to
find a
>girl with some real ambition.
>
>
>When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
>firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
>divorced me and took everything I owned.
>
>
>I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tlts
>

Never gamble with a chemist

This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his coc.. on the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’

Quote
atlasmagic
Never gamble with a chemist

This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his coc.. on the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’

looooooool! naughty but so funny

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"



A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."





A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.

She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry!

She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"

"Shut up," she says, "You're next."


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Eatch morning whene up from bed, what's the first thing a blonde does ?

>get back to her own home.

He noticed the same man with a fishing rod present every day, in the same place and at rush hours!!!
got curious he asked:
> there is even no water around, dont tell me you are fishing?
> may be yes may be not, anyway the answer is only 1$.
too curious he handed 1$.
> you are right, it have nothing to do with fishing, it'a about hunting, dolars hunting.

atlasmagic, loooool nice one mate

Found this joke on my inbox today & i though to share

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
A WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

ha ha ha, nice one atlas! i think all married men should read this one, as a gentle reminder

Funny


[www.ffk-wilkinson.com]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f*cking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,! hang up , turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visits him every day. On one of the visits Mike says,

"Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for many years. Please do me a favour. When you get to Heaven, you must let me know if there's football up there."

Joe looks up from his death bed and says, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible I'll do this for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passed on.At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

"Mike--Mike." The voice cried.

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly.

The voice said--"It's me, Joe."

"You can't be Joe, he just died."

"I'm telling you the truth, it's me Joe," insists the voice."

Mike said, "Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news," Joe said," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want and never get tired."

"Fantastic!!," said Mike. "That''s beyond my wildest dreams! But what's the bad news?

......"You're playing on Tuesday."

You might have seen this video but just in case you haven't check it out. It's genius!

[uk.youtube.com]

Not real but hilarious!

[uk.youtube.com]

Very cool

Respect to Bob Geldof, to to U2, to the children of Afric

\\\///
adidas

Give it a cpl of seconds

[producten.hema.nl]

Quote
atlasmagic
Give it a cpl of seconds

[producten.hema.nl]

Oh wow!! this is the best online advert i've ever seen!!!

thanks Atlas

Hey Jude like never before....

[www.humour.com]

OMG he's sooooooo sweet!!!!!!!!

Thank you bikhor , a star in the making 1

Quote
Minniemouse
Not real but hilarious!

[uk.youtube.com]

This is Awsome !